Last week was a really hard week for me emotionally. I felt heartache and sadness and both those together make me weak. I could not eat. I could not stop crying. I could not sleep and sometimes I felt like I could not breath. I felt like I lost control and lost myself.
The only way that I can get over this is if I am honest with myself and honest in this post. I don’t want to put all the details out there for the world-wide-web, but I do want to be open.
I have been dealing with opening my heart to others and sometimes even though I feel one way, I don’t always show it. I shutdown and put up this wall and it has never protected me from sadness and heartache, it has only stopped me from being happy.
I met someone special and he loved and I felt the same back, but found all of these reason not to let myself feel that love I had. I fought with him and said some mean things. And now, I wish that I could take it all back. I went away for the Holidays and I told him I would call him when I got home, but I did not call him for a month.
Here is a little piece from an e-mail I wrote him: The reason why I did not call was because I did not know how to face you and tell you I fucked up. I did not know how to tell you that I was overwhelmed with feelings for you. I was embarrassed for the way I was acting.
When I finally came to him asking if we could talk and to see if there was any chance that we could be a “we” again, I was too late. I hurt him and there are no words that I can say to take back everything thing I put him through.
He told me we could talk, but I have not heard from him since last Monday. What sucks is all week I was dealing with this as a break-up and the thing is-- it was just rejection.
Another piece of my email: What I have learned is that I can't bring the past into this moment because nothing good ever comes of it. I need to put my whole self in and take a chance.
As I sat at my desk crying, my BBF (blog best friend) CAL was there for me every single day with thoughtful words and great links to read to get my mind off all of this.
Friday was a HARD day for me. I started falling apart and then CAL sent me this “ 8 Steps to Beat the Break-up Blues” I read through it once and then went and bought a new journal and read through it again. Even though I am NOT going through a break-up, I am still heart-broken.
By coping with your break-up in a healthy manner, you actually have the chance to come out of it like a Kanye song: harder, better, faster, stronger.
All this heartache and sadness may be all my fault, but at the end I will be STRONGER. I have lost someone that I could have been happy with if I just gave him a chance. There is nothing I can do now, but move on and learn from this and never stop believing in love.
The things that don’t kill me only make me stronger.
Harder, better, faster, stronger.